Ask for what you Need…Positively
Asking for what you need is harder than it sounds.
“It can be nerve-wracking to be so vulnerable – even with your partner”. “It can feel scary. If you ask someone for something there’s a chance they’ll say no. At some point in our lives, we’ve all been shut down.”
Having our requests ignored can often result in us believing we aren’t worthy of having our needs met or that our needs are bad.
Going forward, instead of being clear about what we require we simply allude to it and pray our partners will catch on. This is where disappointment and resentment seep in because your partner is not a mind reader.
A better way to get what you want is to simply ask, in a straightforward, non-accusatory way.
Use these 3 steps to ask for what you need
If you have trouble expressing your needs, following these three steps may help.
Step 1: Reflect
“Take a moment, right now, and think about what you’ve been wanting from your partner,” they write.
Is it more date nights? Or more help around the house? Just being listened to?
Step 2: Reframe
“If you are thinking in a negative perspective, flip it,” they write. “Don’t point out what’s wrong. Offer an opportunity.”
What positive action can your partner take to fulfill this need?
Step 3: Describe yourself
“Always ask for what you need by talking about how you feel and what you need,” they write.
If you want more date nights, instead of saying “You never take me on dates anymore,” say “I miss you. Can we plan to have more one-on-one date nights this month?”
If you need more help around the house, don’t say “You always go to bed before the dishes are done.” Instead, say “I’ve been feeling super swamped lately. Would you be able to help me out with the dishes before bed?”
If your relationship is prone to a pattern of criticism, the other person might read anything you say as negative. But if you continue to speak with your partner from a place of positivity, a shift will occur and they might start feeling less attacked and more receptive.
You can also try to ask for needs that aren’t “corrective,” but are acts that will make you happy.
For example, you can ask them to make you a cocktail you both enjoy or to stop by your favorite bakery for a snack you both can eat together.
“Make a sweet request that they can easily fulfill,” they write. “So you can genuinely say ‘Thank you! That felt great!’”
For more on this topic see this article.
(Tips can help. But relationships are hard work and need love and laughter as the fundamental fuel to keep them going.)