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Barriers to True Love

(I fear that this post will have too many words…)

What works in a relationship is unique to the individuals. Security, a family, social standing may be important. Morals, ethics and values may be important. Fundamentally success depends on how they each deliver what the other needs. And most important is the fundamental connection between the couple. Love is often used to describe this connection…but love is open to interpretation (see below). I understand it to be broadly acknowledged that a fundamental part of love is that both give and receive what is needed by each to grow and be happy. Even though this giving and taking may ebb and flow throughout the relationship, most assume that a healthy relationship requires that, over a longer period, the giving and taking is balanced between each other. Whilst each is responsible for their own happiness, this happiness can be magnified in a loving and positive relationship.

Novels such as Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen show how anxieties about social connections, or the desire for better social connections, interfere with the workings of love. Austen views love as something independent of these social forces, as something that can be captured if only an individual is able to escape the warping effects of a hierarchical society. This has become to be a commonly accepted view today.

Love therefore is at its best when not warped by societal anxieties but wholly focussed on the nurturing of the couple. As is stated in the Bible 1 Corinthians 13, love is many things. Here is an excerpt:

…Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres….

The Bible requires many verses and many attributes to try to describe love. This ideally is too many. But once one has experienced love over a longer period one understands that love does indeed have many attributes and that it is difficult to succinctly describe them all.

This post can only focus on a limited area. It considers that there is the need for love to be nurturing, to be active (not passive), to be kind and for resentments not to be harboured.

Problems arise if there is an unresolved fundamental disagreement between the two and leading to harboured & hidden resentments. One or both persons, whilst continuing to be basically sociable and pleasant, may have consciously or unconsciously withdrawn from the relationship. They have decided to be passive as a means of punishing the other or at the very least to help process their own anger or hurt. These are barriers to true love. This love is not nurturing or kind. Resentments are harboured leading to a passive not active love which is insufficient and in time may destroy the relationship.

Jane Eyre will not accept a Loveless Marriage to St.John Rivers

In the novel Jane Eyre she describes how a marriage lacking active and nurturing love would kill her. A dramatic mode of expression (and indeed St John Rivers described it as violent and unfeminine (it was not)) but it certainly communicates to me the strength of her feelings and the clarity with which she sees her needs and her rationale for her actions.

As a context : Jane falls in love with a man called Edward Rochester who also falls in love with Jane. Both have a passionate and direct nature, hers is more latent (she is much younger) but this is developed throughout the novel. But she finds out (on the altar) that he is married already and therefore she decides that she must leave him. She is now penniless and is lucky to be rescued from destitution by a man called St. John Rivers (and his two sisters). She develops a pleasant relationship with him and when in time she finds out that they are cousins the relationship becomes one of sisterly and brotherly love (she shares her inherited fortune with him and his two sisters). But he wants more. He wants her to marry him and become his partner as they travel to India as Christian missionaries. But he does not love her as she would wish a husband to love her. She has had a taste of “real love” with Rochester who though flawed in the eyes of society and her own morality demonstrated an ability to allow her to be free, to grow and to become a better version of herself. He was also passionate and warm which Jane also discovered that she needed. His love was warm and nurturing.

St. John isn’t just Jane’s antagonist because he wants her to marry him and she’s not interested; he’s also an extreme version of what Jane has been trying to become—a dispassionate, rational person guided only by calm consideration of morality and ethics. Jane has to reject him and embrace her own passionate nature before she can marry Rochester.

Jane rejects Rochester’s illicit passion and his attempt to commit bigamy and/or make her his mistress, but she’s even more appalled by St. John’s desire to make her his legal wife and sexual partner without love or passion. St. John may be more correct in the eyes of the law and the Lord, but the demands he makes of Jane are much more disgusting than Rochester’s in her opinion. Jane goes back to Rochester not because she knows he’s single now but because she’s got to get away from St. John.

Jane Eyre Chapter 35 – A Marriage lacking Nurturing Love would Kill her

See what is said in Chapter 35 near the end of the Novel.

…During that time he made me feel what severe punishment a good yet stern, a
conscientious yet implacable man can inflict on one who has offended him. Without one overt act of hostility, one upbraiding word, he contrived to impress me momently with the conviction that I was put beyond the pale of his favour.

Not that he harboured a spirit of unchristian vindictiveness–not that he would have injured a hair of my head, if it had been fully in his power to do so. Both by nature and principle, he was superior to the mean gratification of vengeance: he had forgiven me for saying I scorned him and his love, but he had not forgotten the words; and as long as he and I lived he never would forget them. I saw by his look, when he turned to me, that they were always written on the air between me and him; whenever I spoke, they sounded in my voice to his ear, and their echo toned every answer he gave me.

He did not abstain from conversing with me: But to me, he was in reality become no longer flesh, but marble; his eye was a cold, bright, blue gem; his tongue a speaking instrument–nothing more.

All this was torture to me–refined, lingering torture. It kept up a slow fire of indignation and a trembling trouble of grief, which harassed and crushed me altogether. I felt how–if I were his wife,
this good man, pure as the deep sunless source, could soon kill me, without drawing from my veins a single drop of blood, or receiving on his own crystal conscience the faintest stain of crime.

He experienced no suffering from estrangement–no yearning after reconciliation; and though, more than once, my fast falling tears blistered the page over which we both bent, they produced no more effect on him than if his heart had been really a matter of stone or metal. To his sisters, meantime, he was somewhat kinder than usual: as if afraid that mere coldness would not sufficiently convince me how completely I was banished and banned, he added the force of contrast; and this I am sure he did not by force, but on principle.

Asking for what you need is harder than it sounds.

“It can be nerve-wracking to be so vulnerable – even with your partner”. “It can feel scary. If you ask someone for something there’s a chance they’ll say no. At some point in our lives, we’ve all been shut down.” 

Having our requests ignored can often result in us believing we aren’t worthy of having our needs met or that our needs are bad. 

Going forward, instead of being clear about what we require we simply allude to it and pray our partners will catch on. This is where disappointment and resentment seep in because your partner is not a mind reader. 

A better way to get what you want is to simply ask, in a straightforward, non-accusatory way. 

Use these 3 steps to ask for what you need

If you have trouble expressing your needs, following these three steps may help.

Step 1: Reflect 

“Take a moment, right now, and think about what you’ve been wanting from your partner,” they write. 

Is it more date nights? Or more help around the house? Just being listened to?

Step 2: Reframe

“If you are thinking in a negative perspective, flip it,” they write. “Don’t point out what’s wrong. Offer an opportunity.” 

What positive action can your partner take to fulfill this need? 

Step 3: Describe yourself

“Always ask for what you need by talking about how you feel and what you need,” they write. 

If you want more date nights, instead of saying “You never take me on dates anymore,” say “I miss you. Can we plan to have more one-on-one date nights this month?”

If you need more help around the house, don’t say “You always go to bed before the dishes are done.” Instead, say “I’ve been feeling super swamped lately. Would you be able to help me out with the dishes before bed?” 

If your relationship is prone to a pattern of criticism, the other person might read anything you say as negative. But if you continue to speak with your partner from a place of positivity, a shift will occur and they might start feeling less attacked and more receptive. 

You can also try to ask for needs that aren’t “corrective,” but are acts that will make you happy.

For example, you can ask them to make you a cocktail you both enjoy or to stop by your favorite bakery for a snack you both can eat together. 

“Make a sweet request that they can easily fulfill,” they write. “So you can genuinely say ‘Thank you! That felt great!’” 

For more on this topic see this article.

(Tips can help. But relationships are hard work and need love and laughter as the fundamental fuel to keep them going.)

Different language is used to say much the same thing. It may be Listen to each other, Connect with each other, Be there for each other or a new one to me…Turn towards each other. Taken from an article I came across it does explain a key part of relationships.

When a couple turns toward each other, they make and respond to what we call “bids for connection.” Bids can range from little things, like trying to catch your attention by calling out your name, to big things, like asking for deeper needs to be met. 

The happiest couples are savvy enough to notice when their partner is making a bid, and drop what they’re doing, if necessary, to engage.

Here’s an example: Your partner, scrolling their phone, remarks, “Oh, this is an interesting article.” (This is a bid for connection.)

You can respond in one of three ways:

1. By turning toward – Acknowledging them and engaging with their attempt to connect: “Oh yeah? What’s it about?”
2. By turning away – Actively ignoring or just not noticing their attempt to connect: You keep typing the email you’re working on while staring at your screen.
3. By turning against – Irritably or angrily shutting down their attempt to connect: “Can’t you see I’m trying to work?”

The act of turning toward builds affection and a sense of teamwork, which helps strengthen the foundation of a lasting relationship.

Of course, it’s impossible to always turn toward your partner. But in our lab study, the couples who stayed together for at least six years turned toward each other 86% of the time. Those who got divorced only did it 33% of the time.

Read more about this topic in this article.

(Tips can help. But relationships are hard work and need love and laughter as the fundamental fuel to keep them going.)