Blog

Different language is used to say much the same thing. It may be Listen to each other, Connect with each other, Be there for each other or a new one to me…Turn towards each other. Taken from an article I came across it does explain a key part of relationships.

When a couple turns toward each other, they make and respond to what we call “bids for connection.” Bids can range from little things, like trying to catch your attention by calling out your name, to big things, like asking for deeper needs to be met. 

The happiest couples are savvy enough to notice when their partner is making a bid, and drop what they’re doing, if necessary, to engage.

Here’s an example: Your partner, scrolling their phone, remarks, “Oh, this is an interesting article.” (This is a bid for connection.)

You can respond in one of three ways:

1. By turning toward – Acknowledging them and engaging with their attempt to connect: “Oh yeah? What’s it about?”
2. By turning away – Actively ignoring or just not noticing their attempt to connect: You keep typing the email you’re working on while staring at your screen.
3. By turning against – Irritably or angrily shutting down their attempt to connect: “Can’t you see I’m trying to work?”

The act of turning toward builds affection and a sense of teamwork, which helps strengthen the foundation of a lasting relationship.

Of course, it’s impossible to always turn toward your partner. But in our lab study, the couples who stayed together for at least six years turned toward each other 86% of the time. Those who got divorced only did it 33% of the time.

Read more about this topic in this article.

(Tips can help. But relationships are hard work and need love and laughter as the fundamental fuel to keep them going.)